Barto's Basics

Did you know there is a good and a bad way to give feedback?

After 2 years in leadership and struggling to give and handle feedback well, I sat down with a glass of wine in my little blue house and decided there had to be a better way. And guess what? There was!

I reflected on a very pivotal statement that a leader of mine made to me after months of struggling to understand each other. Out of frustration, he said “Barto! Just tell me how to lead you!” It was one of those throw the papers in the air moments (he didn’t actually do that) because we had spent enough time relying on trial and error to figure each other out.

What a poignant question I thought. Why don’t we just lead with this type of clarity out of the gate? I mean, we have the golden rule “treat others how you want to be treated”, but really, it should be to treat others how they want to be treated, shouldn’t it?

From this internal debate, came some clarity around this topic of how to give and receive feedback and for me it all boiled down to a very simple understanding of the following things:

1. How do you/I like to receive feedback?
2. What kind of feedback do you/I get nervous about? why?
3. How do you/I like to receive praise? why?
4. Do you/I like real time feedback? why/why not?
5. Do you/I believe feedback is a gift?

I shared these answers with my then leader and when I tell you it took a very strained relationship to one that was actually pleasant and productive – would you believe me?

It was an important self-awareness exercise at the time and it felt really empowering once we had this conversation and dove into other questions like: What feels like micromanaging to you? Would you rather me extend trust or have you earn trust? Do you prefer talking through and brainstorming solutions or are you more independent and prefer to only review the final product?

This clarity removed almost all the tension that existed and allowed us to really appreciate what the other had to offer instead of basking in our frustration of what boiled down to a lack of clarity about the other.

So back to feedback….

Once I sifted through those 5 questions about feedback, I realized that the next piece of the puzzle was then to figure out how to actually deliver the feedback.

And I started by identifying all the things that irritated me about feedback and my experiences around receiving feedback.

Things I didn’t like about feedback:

• Feeling attacked
• Feeling like the feedback was piling on
• Feeling like the person giving me the feedback wasn’t credible
• Feeling like the feedback was impossible to implement
• Feeling like the feedback was irrelevant
• Feeling misunderstood
• Feeling like I was in trouble

As you can see, feedback never felt like a gift to me. Can you relate?

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Barto’s Basic Way of Delivering Feedback:

1. Ask “Are you open to feedback and is now a good time?” Whether you know the person or not, this is how we open the door and hopefully prevent an argument. If someone IS open to feedback and now IS a good time, then proceed. If they aren’t open to it and now is a bad time, don’t. Wait 24 hours. Get a time when the person is in the right headspace to have the conversation. Pro Tip – if the person says now is a good time and you realize a few minutes in that they aren’t open to the feedback, call a timeout and pick a different time.
2. Lead with your intent. That could look like this: “I want to share this feedback because I really believe in your potential” or “I want to help you win”, or “You’re already so good, I’d hate for this one thing to derail you” or “I care about you and this is an area I see you need help in”… notice how our intent is to help. If that is not your intent, for the benefit of everyone, keep your feedback to yourself. If it’s not helpful, it’s just criticism – and we all have enough of that these days.
3. Be clear and gain agreement on the issue/opportunity. “In the meeting, you said ___________ and after that, the energy in room changed. Did you notice that?” Why is this important? If we don’t agree on specifically what happened and the impact it had, then we aren’t going to have a productive conversation moving forward. Gaining agreement here is critical. If there is disagreement, we need to clear it up here. Pro Tip – don’t get caught in the weeds here. Pick ONE piece of feedback to deliver even if there are lots to provide. Decide what is the most important/relevant and focus on that.
4. Practice the new skill to implement. Work together with the person you’re giving the feedback to and ensure they can execute on what you’ve coached them on. Make sure they leave the interaction feeling empowered and encouraged to do something new.
5. Say “Thank you for being open to this feedback and growing. If you ever have feedback for me, know that I’d love to do this same exercise with you to help me grow. We’re in this together.” This creates trust in a relationship and allows for a consistent feedback loop. If you’re going to give feedback, you also need to be open to it.

Learning to deliver feedback well is an absolute game changer not only in business, but in real life.

Learning to accept that not everyone is open to feedback is also key.

Maybe by delivering feedback well, we can show the world that feedback is indeed a gift.

And a gift that keeps on giving.