Barto's Basics

I Didn’t Want To Do This Part….

16 yrs ago I stood in the emergency room and answered “yes” to the question “are you next of kin?” My dad was being prepped to go into emergency surgery due to an aortic dissection and at 23yrs old, I had to make quick decisions on my own. In a blur of time I gave the go ahead to save his life with the reality that we’d have to figure out the finances and everything else later… just save my dad.

And 16yrs later I can still hear the nurse saying “ok, it’s time to say goodbye” and exactly how I felt in that moment. Part of me knew that actually was goodbye and I can remember standing in the doorway and letting go of his hand as they took him to the elevator. An elevator he didn’t make it out of… and I remember how my life changed.

So almost 3 weeks ago when my aunt (my dads sister) had open heart surgery to replace her aortic and mitral heart valves, I didn’t want to send her off. The feelings of 16yrs ago were rushing at the speed of light through my whole body.

That heaviness of grief that had nothing and everything to do with our current reality.

Before I left work to head to the hospital on surgery day, a friend had intentionally prayed over me. That friend was aware of my emotions and what was bubbling up inside of me- everywhere around me. That friend knew I didn’t want to do this part.

I had willingly tackled every step leading up to this in the previous 5 weeks, but this step – the sending off- was too raw for me. Reliving it seemed impossible. The anticipation of it was making it hard to breathe.

And I doubted myself. I doubted my courage. I doubted my ability to keep it together. To be the strong one.

But God…..

I promise you that Jesus met me right there in that moment.

Just as he did 16yrs ago in the depths of the most intense grief I have experienced in my life.

As we waited quietly for “go time” and there was a calm in the room that didn’t make sense. We were reflecting on the previous few weeks and wondering why all this was happening. We each sat there and prayed silently.

And peace arrived.

A peace that God was still good even if…. Even if his plans were different from my request…

It was go-time.

In an all too familiar moment, I was answering questions, agreeing with the plan and knowing that we’d figure everything else out later… and the pre-op nurse said “ok, we’re ready. Say your goodbyes and you’ll see her after the surgery”

And there it was.

The reminder of 16 yrs ago came pouring out of my eyes. I couldn’t stop it. I had to rush out of the room.

I found myself wondering why past and present were colliding in such a way. A very real and raw experience. A healed wound ripped open.

Grief is the price we pay for love, right?

But God… and his peace prevailed yet again.

I lack the words to accurately describe what has happened since but I can tell you that I (and my aunt) have experienced the goodness of God.

The true peace that comes with surrender.

The father that loves us through it all.

The one we can always turn to.

The one who equips us to do hard things.

The one who says “I’ll come with you” when we are shouting “I don’t want to do this!”

My aunt is brave! A real life Superhero!

God is good!

I’m learning to trust Jesus with the hard stuff.

❤️✝️