Barto's Basics

June 2023

This might feel funny but that’s never stopped me from sharing before so……if you make it to the end it’ll be worth it.

At almost 40, I see a lot of things with much more clarity and I’m starting to understand myself so much better. So it goes, right?

When you’re a child of divorce there are scars you carry that others don’t.

I know now that I’m a control freak in large part because for so long I didn’t have a say in many things that took my life in various directions; some good, some bad.

Through divorce, remarriage and divorce again, my family changed before my eyes without my input. Disconnecting. Rearranging. Family then not family. Included then excluded. Present then forgotten. The choices were not mine. But the fallout was. I felt every ounce of the fallout. And some of that lingers around today, still requiring mental gymnastics and people pleasing to minimize the impact 🥴

And so as I grew up, I unknowingly gravitated towards situations I could control. Took ownership so I could make the decisions. Pursued independence with tenacity. Focused on high achievement. Outworked others in sports, school and business. Tolerated poor treatment because ‘losing someone else’ was too painful.

If there was one, I would have for sure won the Oscar for Best Actress in a People Pleasing Role by now.

I have allowed myself to overthink in a strategic attempt to avoid pain – I can’t help but be 5 steps ahead. Because if I can prevent it, I’m much happier. But am I? That’s exhausting!

It’s not a fear of change.

It’s not a quest for perfection.

It’s not holding onto resentment for choices my parents made.

It’s not a need to be liked.

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It is fear of abandonment! And avoiding that recurring theme in my life.

People don’t abandon high achievers.

People don’t abandon the helpers.

People don’t abandon the fixers.

People gravitate towards those kind of qualities…

And so if I am those things, people will stay.

🤯💣🤯💣🤯💣🤯💣🤯💣🤯💣🤯💣🤯

But that’s not true. It’s fairytale.

And at almost 40 I FINALLY know who stays…

Jesus stays.

He doesn’t have a scorecard for me.

No drama, opinion, mistake, hurt feeling, broken promise, failure or achievement changes how He sees me or the value He has placed on my life.

People will continue to let me down and no matter how hard I try, I will let people down, too.

Jesus won’t let me down.

I am infinitely confident of that.

He is not a God of abandon.

I can count on him to stay.

I can count on Him to heal the wounds.

I can count on Him to walk beside me through it all.

And you can, too. 💜✝️✌🏻